Miscarriages, Transgenerational Transference And How it Shaped Who I Am

We hardly talk about miscarriages in our society. It can be so scary. It was for me, because I never knew how common it is. 

After I got pregnant for the first time I was utterly devastated to have had a miscarriage in week 7. I wasn’t expecting nor prepared for it. It was traumatising. I felt empty and I had a strong, all consuming, feeling that I needed filling up.

I got pregnant again immediately.

I had an unrestful 7 weeks. On week 6 I had a nightmare: I was sitting on the toilet and I saw blood. I woke up sweating and ran to the toilet. There was no blood.

Almost 42 weeks later Mia was born. She did not want to come out but they made her. She lifted my heart and filled it with love. 

I was capable of growing a healthy full term baby. I was able to get over a lot of breastfeeding hardship and breastfeed her. She was thriving.

2 years later I got pregnant again. I am an only child and I knew I wished for more than one child. I also knew Mia needed a sibling (I was right).

It was a bit earlier than planned, I was still breastfeeding Mia, but I was happy and grateful.

I took Mia to see my friend in Brighton. We had a great time.

On the crummy, uncomfortable train back, while I was trying to entertain Mia I started feeling cramps. I asked someone to watch her while I went to a small dirty toilet where I saw the bleed. I was 6 weeks pregnant. 

I took two weeks to rest and bleed the pregnancy out. Even though it made me feel guilty, I felt a little bit relieved because I could have some more time alone with Mia.

At that point I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. My old career wasn’t appealing to me anymore and I was not sure what was my path going forwards. 

Nothing made sense except being a mum.

I got pregnant again. Easily.

I went beyond week 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. On week 11 I started feeling the cramps again.

This time it was hard, confusing and shocking. My body has already changed a lot in this young pregnancy.

I was sad, it was harder than before, but I was OK. In fact I became a bit of an expert on natural miscarriages: what to do, what to eat, which herbs to drink. I found myself counselling and helping other women that the universe sent my way.   

In the following months we tried again. But I didn’t get pregnant. 

I knew my body was trying to tell me something but I didn’t know what.

I did start to have an inkling of what I wanted to do with my life and bought my first professional camera, putting myself on my path to see and help women. 

After a few months I started having strange pains one evening and dark blood came around my ovulation time. That was very untypical for me so I bought a pregnancy test. I was pregnant. I was very happy, but the bleeding and cramps didn’t stop. I went to get checked knowing I was around 7 weeks pregnant.

“You are pregnant”, they said, “but it’s not far enough to have a scan”.

“I know when I ovulate,” I said. “I know how far along I should be because I track my period cycles,” I said. “No”, they said and sent me home.

Something felt very wrong. When I was about 9 weeks pregnant I started feeling very poorly. My immune system has weakened and I had cold sores on my face with a bacterial infection. I looked bad and felt worse.

Again I went to the emergency gynaecology department. With very high temperatures that kept rising, I sat there waiting. “Have you just run here? Your pulse is sky high”. They admitted me immediately with an IV of antibiotics for 24 hours. My temp was nearly 40c.

Only the next day I (finally) got a scan that showed a completely empty uterus. Nothing. No baby. Just my body desperately trying to fight an ectopic pregnancy. 

I never cried so hard in my life. 

Just another case of a woman not being listened to.

My body got rid of the ectopic all by itself. It took every ounce of my energy and I was left exhausted with my immune system changed forever. Not for the best. I wish I pushed harder to get a scan. I could have gotten a pill to get rid of it earlier on. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

With physical healing, I also seeked deep mental and spiritual healing. 

I found the perfect therapist who combined therapeutic techniques with spiritual healing. She was just what I needed (and later what I have become). During these months of healing I understood something deep and profound: because I was an only child, I had an ingrained belief that I did not know how to be a mother for more than one child. I had to release this belief. I also acknowledged that I am a family code breaker of transgenerational patterns; on my mother’s side of the family, women had lots of abortions. They were living in communist Romania, they did not use any contraception and they just kept having abortions. I don’t know why. But I know that by the time one of my mother’s aunts wanted to keep a baby, she couldn’t. And I know that the reason that my mother and her twin sister were born is because my grandmother was told that if she has one more abortion she will not be able to have a baby. They are twins and they are the only children in their family. 

Although I never had an abortion, it manifested in my miscarriages. Sometimes this is how transgenerational genetic coding works.

During that time of healing I got pregnant. This time I could feel the soul who was coming to me, like a little butterfly fluttering on my shoulder.

Although deep inside I knew all will be fine, for the first time in my life, I suffered from anxiety. Trauma manifests in all kinds of ways. Also this baby was far more relaxed than Mia was inside me and that only added to my anxiety.

When I was about 6 months pregnant I had a powerful dream: all my ancestors were there, walking together, telling me that they are behind me in this healing process that I was going through. I focused on this and on planning the best birth I could have. 

42 whole weeks later, scans, monitors and checks, I had a beautiful, healing, natural and empowering birth. A birth that went exactly how I planned it.

A perfect baby girl came to us: Annabelle Leah. She was a dream baby. It felt like such a gift after all we have been through.

When she was 4, the pandemic hit us. Like everyone we stayed home and felt thankful for what we had.

But after a few months I started feeling the call of another soul. When I mentioned the idea of having another baby my husband was also keen.

Very quickly I became pregnant and I was not afraid. I had an early scan that was reassuring and very quickly I felt very pregnant, bloated and tired.

On the morning of my 12 week scan I woke up with an ominous feeling. I went to the toilet and there was a very weak bleed.

I went to the scan alone, as it was still restricted, with a heavy heart. The baby stopped developing, probably not long after my first scan.

I felt very confused, sad, and disappointed. Why did I feel the need to bring another soul earthside?

The next day we were supposed to go on a family holiday to Scotland. 

But after letting go of this pregnancy I started bleeding so heavily that I took myself to the hospital. Everything came out all at once. It was tough. 

I got checked by a doctor and gradually the bleeding stabilised. I still very much wanted to go on my holiday, and encouraged by the nurses I decided to go. I bled in every stop we made, I bled on the side of the rural roads, and I bled on the shores of Loch Lomond. 

I left parts of me in Scotland.

I was still left with questions. I wanted to resolve the issue and be content with my two beautiful girls.

I turned to a family constellation facilitator. I deeply felt the need to involve my mother. We had an emotional cross country zoom session. A lot of things came up, for both of us. 

I could finally let go.

My conceiving days are behind me now. I look forward to supporting other parents around me, and I am proud of myself for breaking the code, for clearing the path for my daughters, for listening and learning the lessons. And most of all for feeling empowered to help other people deal with their issues, journeys and traumas. 

Written by Ruth Meiri-Newgrosh.

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